School safety editorial comment: Teach your children well

There is certainly no shortage of opinion on steps we can take to prevent yet another tragedy such as we recently witnessed in Connecticut. There may be physical building safety initiatives and in-school preparations that reduce the risks encountered in our schools. We do need to pay attention to mental health services that are provided to troubled children and their families. And I certainly support our nation getting to sane gun control policies.
 
But here is another train of thought that has gotten a lot less play. It is also very close to home, every day for parents of school children, school teachers and administrators and, of course – maybe where it means the most – with all students.
 
It is far too easy to pass the buck and say that a troubled youth should have access to good mental health care. Let's hope that happens. But no matter what services are available to troubled students, we need to face the reality that one of the factors that feeds into serious problems – in some cases even the direct cause – is the alienation experienced by many students. The alienation is experienced by students related to a raft of identities: sexual orientation, physical appearance, obesity, mental abilities, social awkwardness, religious affiliation, handicaps, or any variety of "difference" of "weirdness" you could think of.

As a culture we train our children pretty early to tune into someone who is "different." In fact, research suggests that we might even have innate tendencies to fear or be skeptical of those who have different characteristics than us. Both learned and innate – but the good news is that we can teach our children and ourselves to learn otherwise. That is exactly what we need to do – study our actions and pay attention to what alienates those who may be different from a norm.
 
This isn't a naïve call for us, and our children, to blindly befriend everyone.  It is unrealistic to think that relationships should develop between groups or individuals who may seem like polar opposites. Sometimes we could get ourselves into dangerous situation. Yet our tendency is to push off, create a divide, or do something that fosters alienation – maybe a snub, a laugh, a snide remark or anything that suggests a person might have diminished value in your eyes.
 
A simple hello, offering a seat on a bus, listening respectfully to a divergent opinion, fairly including an "outsider" in a class project,  speaking up for an unheard voice, or just being in the position to listen – these are things that children can easily learn to do if prompted and reinforced about inclusive behavior.
 
Recently I heard a poignant story from a senior member of our community, successful and engaged in the community on multiple fronts. But his story could have unfolded differently. He shared with me his experience of being a victim of abusive remarks and discrimination by his peers while he was in grade school. It's not important to say why, but what is important is the rest of his story. He told me that a quiet, innocent grade school girl chose to befriend and listen to him. There was never anything more to the relationship. But he told me that her specific act of befriending made him realize, in a sleepless middle of the night insight, that he was a person of worth. He carries that memory and her picture to this day.
 
Teaching our children life skills that incorporate inclusion, compassion, and respect for all will go a long way in reducing alienation and its outcomes of depression, suicide, or anti-social actions.  Alas, there are no guarantees. This investment is a long term deal. Be prepared for delayed gratification, or none at all. Knowing you are doing the right thing may be all you ever realize.

This type of thinking includes our approach to how we confront others when they may be engaging in behavior that is disruptive or disrespectful.  If you have ever witnessed a good police officer working with people in crisis, or a skilled school official intervening in a troubled life, you know that treating a person with dignity and respect is the action most likely to bear fruit. How much better that we as a society practice that long before a crisis develops.
 
Teach your children well.